In my previous post, "How to Lose Everything (*except your shit)", I shared my recent experience with spectacular failure and suggested some ways to hang on to your belief in yourself even through the difficult times.
But that is not enough.
Yes, having the proper perspective is important but it doesn't help all that much in the exact moment grief comes. You know the moment I’m speaking of, when you feel the devastating, ugly-cry, world-ending grief, and when self-doubt and sadness seem like they'll stick around forever, what can you do? No pep talk or getting into some place of higher thinking is going to help, no matter how inspiring and full of hope the message may be. You are too low to even think that way.
So, let's get really real here, how do you even muster up the will to keep going?
Where do you find the energy to eat and sleep and shower when what you really want to do is disappear into the lonely dark hole of depression and failure?
As hard as this sounds, here’s what you really need to do. Get up, scrub the stinging tears off your red, raw cheeks and go look at yourself in the mirror. Do it. Look without shame, look even if your eyes are rimmed in tears and your skin is all blotchy. Just look at yourself, really, really LOOK. What do you see?
Do you see a scared little boy or girl who's trying their hardest and yet is afraid of not being recognized for doing their best?
I do.
Do you see a human? A human being crying out to be loved and accepted even if they're not totally perfect?
I do.
Do you see YOU in all your glory, YOU and all your imperfect perfections?
I do.
And I hope you can to. If you're there right now, ugly crying at your own reflection and feeling like a mistake of a human being, don't be ashamed. You're in good company, here, let me help you out a little bit. I've compiled five tips, five things I've learned along my own bumpy way. I’m not claiming to be some perfect guru who’s already perfected this shit, no, no way. But here are some things I learned the hard way, while picking myself up from the wreckage of a failed dream. I hope my experiences help you somehow.
Five things you can do RIGHT NOW to take care of yourself no matter what you are facing:
1.) Love yourself.
O.K. go back into that bathroom and look into that mirror, go back in there every single day until you can look deeply into your own eyes with real, compassionate love. Until you can gaze back with complete acceptance of all that you have been, all that you are now and all that you want to be someday. Love the person staring back at you. If you can't love yourself, completely and wholly, who the heck can?
Think of ways you can be there for yourself right now, ways to nurture and be tender to yourself. Set a goal to love yourself the way you've always wanted to be loved. If you can't forgive your mistakes (no matter how big they may seem) and hold your child self even closer in this time, you're missing out on the greatest gift you have in this life: Yourself.
2.) Forgive yourself (and others)
Forgiveness isn’t just for the person being forgiven, it’s mainly for you, the one doing the forgiving. A teaching of Buddha was that holding onto grudges is like holding onto a hot coal. You are the one who is ultimately burned the most.
I’ve been doing a lot of personal work around forgivenesses lately, there have been and are still plenty of unkind people, people who instead of the love I had hoped for, they continuously root for my downfall and pain. That's hard. Forgiving those people is no easy thing but it’s my continual goal, it’s my hope to someday forgive them completely even the ones who have hurt me so deeply I can’t be the same person again. These monsters in my life are not all that different from the monsters in yours. Though our stories are different, the pain is common to us all.
One way I have found that really helps me let go of my anger towards the pain-bringers and heal is to write a song about it, make art, make beauty with the pain instead. It’s not wrong to be upset when you’ve been wronged by someone else but it's not healthy to hang on to that for too long. It doesn't actually help to want them to see what they did was wrong, holding on to getting apologies or hoping to see some karma to come back. Let go of that. Forgive because you love yourself and want to be healed from the pain, even more than you want to be right, even more than you want someone else to know what they did to you and feel sorry for it.
3.) Let Go
I know that's kind of cliche, especially in the post-Frozen era, but really truly, letting go is hard. Have any of you ever experienced being the parent of a teenager?
It’s not easy, not for the faint of heart. Even if you are lucky enough to have a good-hearted kid who listens and wants to be kind most of the time...just knowing they’re walking around out there in the world. Knowing they’re about to be considered adults and thrown to the wolves with seemingly not very few advanced life skills to support this new freedoms and all their grand ideals. But that’s the trick. Parents, children, teachers, lovers, partners, friends. It’s hard to let go of them, we’re human. We want attachments to stay the same. It would be sad to never see our loved ones grow or change but sometimes they grow away from us. That’s hard.
Letting go. That's the hardest part.
No matter what your heart is intertwined with, understanding your own attachment to it, attachment even to the point of your own unhappiness, is essential. Being able to freely see our own attachments is the key to finding our freedom.
4.) Eat And Sleep
Emotions, sleep and food are incredibly related to one other. Catch me on a low-calorie, low-sleep morning and you will see a much more emotional, more moody person. More knee-jerk responses to the frustrating things of life.
Less patience.
Blood sugar and sleep, biologically speaking, affect our mood and emotional resilience to an extreme degree. What do you experience when you don’t eat or sleep well? When I’m feeling down, eating food helps but it's so hard to force myself to eat. I’m not talking tubs of ice cream and bags of candy to feel temporarily better, those end up taking more energy from us than they give in the end, I’m taking soul nurturing food—and on a regular schedule.
What food makes you feel taken care of and healthy? For me it’s hearty soups and fresh salads, fruit and granola and giant toasted ham sandwiches, pasta and garden veggies. Whatever makes you feel happy and nourished, eat that, eat it regularly, and in easily-digestible amounts.
And the other part of this is sleep, sleep much as you can (within healthy limits). If your mind is racing, try to write it all down then let go, let the paper or your notes app hold your anxiety for the rest of the night. If you can’t sleep at night, take naps in the day.
Just. Sleep.
Breathe.
Meditate.
Let go of the battles long enough to restore. You literally can’t feel happy or have good reactions without good sleep. No matter what monsters you’re facing it's always better after some rest.
5.) Get Out
Wherever you are in your funk, in your mind game, in telling yourself “I’m no good” or “I can’t do this” get up, get out of there! Go for a walk, bike, run, go see a show, see a friend, book a flight to another place, just get out of there, wherever you are right now, even if it's just for a day even if it's just a few minutes. It might be long enough to see more clearly, to gain a little perspective.
Try to really internalize the idea that you’re in a temporary situation and these emotions are temporary as well.
Connection helps, finding common ground with someone else. Go help someone, offer to volunteer at the library or homeless shelter or pull weeds in the community garden. Fresh air and exercise might be the oldest remedy in the book but getting your body moving has been proven to improve mood and lessen depression. Don’t let the darkness of your situation keep you locked away.
I know it's hard but do it. Get out and go, do whatever makes you happy. And while you’re out there, make art along the way, sing, make art, write songs, write poems. Be you.
I don’t know what you’re going through, what monsters or demons lie in your path, but I hope you know that my heart is with you.
I see you standing there: a fellow-human, longing to belong and be loved and accepted, hoping to find happiness in this life.
Please don’t give up. Keep striving for love, keep being and giving the love you want to receive and I’ll promise to do the same.
Together we'll bravely face the future, no matter what it holds.
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